Relaxed Improvement

I'm posting this a day early.

New Years is a time of reflection. A time to remember the past year and make plans for the next. It's also a time for New Years resolutions. Those little things we promise ourselves that we're going to start or stop doing.

Most New Years resolutions fail within two to four weeks. I don't want to put a damper on your goals. Just know that the odds are not with you.

Why do we fail? I asked ChatGPT to give me some common reasons. Here's what it came back with.

Lack of specific goals

Resolutions like "get fit" or "save money" are too vague. Without specific, measurable goals, it's difficult to track progress or stay motivated.

Unrealistic expectations

Many resolutions set unattainable targets, like losing 30 pounds in a month or going to the gym every day, which leads to frustration and giving up.

Lack of a clear plan

Resolutions often fail because people don't break them down into actionable steps or establish a strategy for achieving them.

All-or-nothing thinking

Missing one workout or having one unhealthy meal can lead to feelings of failure and abandoning the goal altogether.

Motivational Overload

Resolutions often rely on initial excitement and motivation, which naturally fades over time. Without systems or habits in place, sustaining the effort becomes difficult.

Too many goals

Taking on multiple resolutions at once can spread focus and energy too thin, making it hard to succeed at any of them.

Lack of accountability

Without someone or something to hold them accountable, it's easy to skip commitments or revert to old habits.

Failure to address the underlying issue

Resolutions often target surface-level problems (e.g., weight gain) without addressing deeper causes (e.g., stress, lack of sleep, or emotional eating).

Over-reliance on willpower

Willpower alone is often not enough to sustain long-term changes. Building habits and creating supportive environments are more effective.

Impatience

People often expect immediate results, and when progress feels slow, they lose motivation and quit.

I've lost track of the number of resolutions I started and stopped, probably for many of the reasons listed above.

Let's try to tackle a few of these. As I write these down, know that when I say "you," I'm asking myself the same question.

Why do you want to change?

Starting a new habit implies you are not content with your current life. Why is that? Think through what the change will do for you. Will it make you feel more attractive? More in control? More freedom and security? We want to make sure we're targeting the right goal. Sometimes our goals set unrealistic expectations on their effects.

Before beginning a new habit, ask yourself what your motivations are. Fill out the following statement. "I want to <fill in your goal> because it will make me feel <fill in what you hope the goal will accomplish>."

Now visualize yourself having accomplished your goal. Picture it in your mind as vividly as you can. Ask yourself if this is this now giving you what you're looking for. Does it really stir up the feelings you're hoping to feel or does the goal not really satisfy the need you're hoping it will?

There's a quote by Thomas Merton:

People may spend their whole lives climbing the ladder of success only to find, once they reach the top, that the ladder is leaning against the wrong wall.

Before we invest a ton of time and effort in changing ourselves, let's make sure we're targeting the right change.

Recognize you are worth it

The best changes are ones that improve our lives. It can be very easy to put a new habit on the back burner because life gets busy with responsibilities. We aren't an island. There are people, places and things that command our attention. But, we are also the stewards of our wellbeing. If we don't take time for ourselves, who will?

Every interaction is an opportunity to define what your relationship is with that person or thing. You may not feel it, but you have a say in how you relate to people. Making time for yourself allows you to bring the best version of yourself to the world.

Gandhi said:

Every life has a meaning, whether it lasts one hundred years or one hundred seconds. Every life, and every death, changes the world in its own way.

The world we have the most influence over is our inner world. We control how we approach situations. And we are worth taking care of. Make your personal world what you want it to be. You are worth being your best self.

Be small and specific

"Lose weight" or "get in shape" aren't specific. We need something tangible, concrete and actionable to do. We need to get small and get specific.

Even before hitting our goal, our meta-goal is to develop our perseverance. Success builds on success. Don't worry about how much you do. It isn't about the volume of change. It's about not quitting. It's very important that you take it slow and don't give up. If we can lock in our ability to change incrementally, we can do anything. As James Clear, the author of Atomic Habits, states:

All big things come from small beginnings. The seed of every habit is a small, tiny decision.

So, let's make perseverance easier by starting with small wins.

Embrace community

Pursuing goals are challenging in isolation. It's easy to give up on ourselves. Some tasks are best done within a community of like-minded people.

Sharing goals with others provides a sense of responsibility. You're less likely to give up when others are tracking your progress or depending on you. Communities offer emotional support during tough times and celebrate your successes, helping you stay motivated.

Being part of a group allows you to learn from others' experiences, strategies, and insights, which can help you navigate challenges more effectively. Groups often share tools, tips, and resources that make achieving resolutions easier and more efficient.

Seeing others work toward similar goals can inspire you to keep going, especially during moments when your personal motivation wanes. Working with others fosters a sense of community and shared purpose, reducing feelings of isolation. Developing habits with others can make them feel more natural and less burdensome, as they become part of a collective activity.

Stay flexible

Life is uncertain. We can set up plans and life can torpedo them. Best laid intentions can go up in smoke.

AA recites the serenity prayer regularly. "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference." Resolutions are sometimes broken because we're looking to change things that are outside our control.

Some things are well within our control and can absolutely be changed with patience and making slow progress. Others are not in our control and attempting to change those results in frustration. There's a line in the Dao De Jing:

The Master understands that the universe is forever out of control, and that trying to dominate events goes against the current of the Tao.

What the author is saying is that the path to peace and contentment isn't done by brute force. It's about dancing with life. Knowing when to push and when to release. Our goal-oriented culture says to strive for excellence always but sometimes a solid "C" worth of effort is enough. Learn to do what you can and leave the rest alone.

Know that there will be setbacks. Nothing is perfect, nor should it be. Life is meant to be messy, but beauty comes from the mess. We are humans, not machines, which means we aren't going to function at peak performance all the time. And that's okay. We're wonderfully complicated. Never 100% efficient. Enjoy the meanderings of personhood.

Conclusion

There's a term I thought of. Relaxed improvement. We don't have to run through our goals with our hair on fire. We can trust that we are a work in progress. Our canvas is being painted on. What we have so far is beautiful and there's more to come. We don't have to freak out. We can take it moment by moment, day by day.

Here's what I plan on doing over the next day.

1. I will clarify my "why". I want to lose weight and get in shape and I will describe what I want to feel afterwards.
2. I will break my work up into small increments that are concrete and trackable.
3. I will start as small as possible and build on successes. I will develop persistence 
4. I will recognize that there will be setbacks but I won't let off days derail me from my goal.
5. I will treat myself with kindness throughout the year, knowing that I am worthy of good things, with or without the weight loss.

Up 1 4 pounds.