Finger Food

I've been to church twice now in three weeks. This is a big shift as I've been away from the institution for almost 10 years. To be honest, the only reason I went is to hear my son play guitar.

Both times I went, the pastor spoke about the importance of being truthful. There's also a book I'm reading called A Church called Tov about scandals in the church. There was a chapter in truth and transparency. Since this has been a theme for a bit, I suppose I should blog about it.

There's a verse in the Bible that says, "We show ourselves we are servants of God by our pure lives, our understanding, patience and kindness, by the Holy Spirit, by true love, by speaking the truth." Being truthful is the only way to grow our souls.

This week was a difficult one. My dad fell and broke his finger. I spent the evening in the ER with him and my mom waiting for treatment. I ended up going to bed around two hours later than I normally do. That set in motion several days of eating off plan and poor sleep.

I was having weird dreams about my dad, surgery, illness and death. I think my brain was processing, working its way through the unknowns of illness and accidents. I probably, subconsciously was needing comfort and so I turned back to my old security blanket of food.

I could feel a twinge of guilt each time I stepped on the scale and saw the number inching up. The same old thoughts of being a failure and lacking willpower were there. But then, I stepped back and asked how true these statements were. Yes, I was eating off plan. Does that mean I lack willpower? I suppose, one could say I lacked the conviction and strength to ignore emotions. So, in that moment, did I need willpower? I would say, no, I didn't. I was having a human experience of worrying about a parent and contemplating death. Those are heavy subjects and it's perfectly reasonable to need comfort.

Where I can grow is in how and where I find that comfort. Food is easy to grab because it's abundant, cheap and immediately raises dopamine levels. It's a very effective short-term medicine. But, for the long term, compared against my goal of losing 100 pounds, it's not effective. So, that simply means I need to find an alternative substitute for food. Looking back, I probably could've journaled my feelings, had more discussions with my wife, had zero-calorie foods like tea and pickles (not at the same time because... gross).

Once my trigger and coping mechanism was activated, it set in motion automatic responses and used neural pathways that are deeply engrained. It's hard to deactivate those pathways after they start firing. I need to do a little research on how to stop these habits once they start. Bottom-line, the truth is there were very real events happening in life that caused me to go off plan. The truth is I did go off plan and saw it in the weigh-in. The truth also is I'm one decision away from getting back on plan. And I'm choosing to do that.

So what does that mean? This week, it means logging all my food, including the snacks. I'm going to pick up some pickles so I have a zero-calorie, salty snack for the evenings. I'm going to pause the eating after 8pm rule and will instead say, if my body is craving comfort, I'll reach for a pickle. I'm also going to make sure I get my walk and exercise snacks in. This should help with pulling me out of the funk I'm in. I'm also going to do some reading on how to rewire the brain the lessen existing pathways and help strengthen new ones. These proactive steps feel like I'm taking control of the situation and finding the best way to cope. Don't give up. Adapt.

Up three pounds.